Healer, heal thyself

A friend asked me why I haven’t written anything here for a while.

Many of us now recognise that the old leader/follower models no longer serves us, but there's still a temptation (at least in me) to walk one step ahead (preach) or one step behind (shut up) instead of taking the hand of those who walk with us.  I've been absent here because I noticed a subtle arrogance in me.  I was writing not solely for the joy of it (my test of authenticity), but from a place that seeks validation for the things I'm learning. 

Ideas that are shared grow stronger.  Arrogant thinking is not something I wanted to share with you, so I took a little time out to get this sorted.

However, in my refusal to move until I got to the bottom of this issue, I discovered something that's been a complete surprise and revelation to me.  It is this:  When we welcome the experience of an unwanted feeling, that feeling disappears, as does the effects of our resistance to it.  Therefore, the fastest way to get to where you want to be is simply to stop and fully experience your resistance to being there right now.  When we commit to no longer resisting what is troubling us, and elect to fully experience it instead, the experiencing of it annihilates the pattern that was sustaining it and holding us back.

This revelation (it came in two parts) has led me to whole host of other insights about the nature of our experiences, how we subconsciously create them and how we can choose experiences that reflect our unlimited nature instead of fear.  I'll tell you all about his soon enough, but here's a synopsis (as a brief as I can, without out it becoming useless):

1.  It is only our resistance to a problematic situation or feeling that sustains it. 

Out instinct when we come across something that troubles us is to try to fix it, move away from it, get to the bottom of it or 'let it go'.  These are all forms of resistance to actually experiencing it directly.[2]  But problems aren't causeless, and when we choose to no longer resist an experience or feeling, we create the opportunity to resolve the cause.  It is only our resistance of an experience (the need to move towards or away, instead of standing still) that keeps us stuck.  When allowed, experiences flow through us easily and naturally, leaving us wiser and freer.[3]  In fact, a good definition of 'Flow' is non-resistance... and the definition of a problem: some 'form' of resistance.

Common questions that are asked ere are ‘how do let go?', ‘how do you still the mind?’ or ‘.. but I am confused, what should I do?’  The way to still the mind is be open to the experience of a rampant mind and simply watch it while it lets rip.  The way to let go is to sit with the experience of not being able to ‘let go’ and not move from that experience.  Same for confusion.

Sounds too simply doesn't it?  If you happen to be one of those looking for some profound 'secret' then this is bound to disappoint.

Here's the thing:  It's impossible to be totally non-resistant to our present moment experience, no matter how unenlightened, mundane or painful that may be... without also being non-resistant to the recognition of this Presence of awareness that is also here, witnessing this experience.  If we then elect to follow this Presence instead of our thoughts, it takes care of all the rest.  But not only does it nourish us and set us free, it appears to clear a path where no path was seen before.  To choose this, is to choose the path of joy.

So to experience 'Flow' right now -- before you even read the next sentence, simply stop where you are, and allow yourself to be open to experience your resistance to having the light of our Self shine through you this instant.  This takes no time... only willingness.  The only precondition for freedom is non-resistance -- just to let what Is, be.  We can do this in any moment or situation we choose.[4]  It is impossible for anyone not to have the ability to recall the recognition of our own true nature.

2.  Feelings are not 'good' or 'bad', they are our best friends

Feelings are the way in which the divine in us communicates.  Feelings bypass the interpretations and judgements of our mind.  When we remain open to our present moment experience and listen, we know which way to lean.  We don't make decisions as such, but flow with the situation in trust that our Self knows how to do this best on its own.  If we need a word, a thought, or just a tranquil open mind, this is what is given.  Anticipation plays no part at all in this.  This direct form of guidance is 'impersonal' [5], brings us together.. and leads to joy.

Feelings are also messengers -- they carry insights.  We receive the insights by allowing ourselves to experience the feelings openly.  These insight are direct knowledge from our Self, and lead to wisdom -- better than any book or teacher can give us. 

When we welcome the experience of the feeling and the insight is received, the feeling disappears… its mission accomplished.

Feelings only turn painful and get 'out of hand' when they are resisted.  On some level or other, resistance takes form as drama in our life, sometimes as emotional or physical dis-ease.  This drama can been seen at every level of perception - personal, family, community, national and societal.

Feelings that we are unwilling to experience end up running our lives.  This happens directly, or indirectly -- our mind constantly vigilant to avoid the unpleasant ones, or in pursuit of 'better' ones.  These choices to experience happiness in the future or avoid the experience of unhappiness in the past always fail, because they eliminate the possibility of making choices that would give us joy now (the only 'time' in which joy can be experienced).

Over time the more 'traumatic' feelings get buried underneath another 'protective' feeling, in place to help prevent us experiencing the one it hides.  These buried feelings, although unrecognised, are the most debilitating in our lives.[6]  Sometimes these 'protective' feelings are several deep (numbness, emptiness, sadness, anger, stuckness are common ones).  We all experience these -- maybe it’s irrational 'anger' when someone cuts us up, or drops a cigarette packet out of the car window in front.  In our willingness to experience say 'anger', without moving, the experience of the underlying protected feeling can return and the door to being free is opened. 

Once the message (the insight [7]) is received, the messenger (the feeling) disappears, its purpose over.  The drama that our resistance to the experience created (and was necessary to bring us to the point of no longer being able to avoid experiencing the feeling) also disappears.  To the 'unenlightened' these disappearing acts look like miracles.  To those who are willing to experience all their feelings, miracles become as right and as natural as breathing.

What we resists persists, but what we fully experience sets us free and then disappears leaving us in stillness and peace.  Time slows down and turns lush.

Recognising the positive intention of all our feelings releases the narratives that dominate our thinking.  Instead of who did what, or why something should or should not have happened, we can take responsibility for our feelings and see the blessing in disguise in whatever pushes our buttons.  With this responsibility comes freedom, because once we take ownership we can use these feelings.  True forgiveness is to take the hurt we see another inflict and claim it as our own, where it can be resolved.  True forgiveness is completely healing.[8] 

So here's an alternative to further effort and struggle:  Instead of living in hope of a better life or anyone coming to make it feel better, we can elect to allow everything to be exactly as it is... and then welcome whatever angst or despair or other form of fear appears, so that we can really face it.  Instead of following the mind's need to move, we can choose to sit still in the middle of it all and allow it to consume us, regardless of the consequences.  This can feel like death itself, but by letting our heart be broken like this, what we discover in the rubble can never be lost.  What flows free from an heart that’s been broken open is an unimaginable Love that could never be put back and envelops everything.

It has taken me far longer to write this down than it does to put it into practice.  And if you feel it doesn't, or it is anyway a struggle, you may like to sit still with that feeling and see where it takes you.  The belief in difficulty is a mask the mind holds up to hide the real reason we struggle -- unwillingness.  As Marianne Williamson so wisely observed, ‘….it’s our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us’.  What we've looked at here is a way to use this fright as a bridge, and as we do it disappears back into the Love from where it came, taking us with it. 

When I revisit this, we'll look at a way to supercharge this process a thousand fold.

Thank you for being patient in my emailing, commenting and blogging silence.  I'd like you to know that sometimes absence really does make the heart grow fonder. :)
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Footnotes:

[1].. Caveat: I imagine this way will appeal only a few brave souls.  We exchange time and effort for the willingness to experience our worst nightmares.  It is the most radical form of self acceptance - - the acceptance of our identity as the Love that flows free from a heart that's been allowed to be broke open.

[2].. As are the need to anaesthetise the feeling (think TV, net surfing, chocolate, chatter etc...) or to express them.  Expressing a feeling is just another strategy to avoid the experience of feeling it directly.  Taking ownership of our feelings doesn't mean withdrawing from those around us.  A simple, "I experience a feeling of anger in me when you say things like that' is both truthful, inoffensive and helpful to everyone.  A true Master would probably also add, "Thank you for helping me to experience this feeling in me".. but lets not run just yet ;)

[3].. I know it seems totally counterintuitive to allow a troubled mind, confusion or feeling of difficulty to just be here exactly as they are  -- 'What good could come of accepting misery?'  Ever sinew in our body wants to move in the opposite direction to this... because our mind is conditioned to move away from the things we don't want and towards the things we do.  Although this intention is honourable, the 'I' the mind thinks it is protecting is a mistake.

This 'I' is the illusion of isolation and powerlessness -- that we could be a victim of a Universe that appears outside of us.  This belief requires the denial of seeing the connection between what we resist and what we repeatedly experience, and the denial of seeing our life flowing to perfection when we allow it.  And this is the same illusion that has us believe we are not  perfect as we are, that we are not capable of knowing this right now -- without having to first learn something, practice something or pay some karmic due.

And so the mind will reject this direct approach at the slightest opportunity.  It will want to look for another teacher another book or another practice rather than accept the wisdom that we can let flow through us.  Vigilance is required (at first) to spot the movement of this old momentum in mind as it appears.  Once busted, this 'me' thought paradigm is not quite over, as it will get subtle and devious to avoid further detection, often appearing as 'helpful' as it attaches itself to our new intentions (see 1st paragraph of this post for an example).

[4].. Our unwillingness to let go of our conscious control of a situation stems from a lack of Self trust.  We fear we may leave ourselves open to losing something.  The experience of loss is entirely an ego phenomena -- our Self makes choices only for our well-being.  Seen from our Self -- where we recognise that everything resides here within our consciousness, even the idea of losing something sounds absurd.

[5].. It's pleasure, not happiness, that comes from separate interests.

[6].. We think we have free will but in truth most of us live our lives unconsciously -- responding to thoughts and feelings that seem to come 'on their own' -- patterns of mind established and forgotten perhaps generations ago in order to avoid experiencing the feelings we most dread.  The result is, in our own particular way, we end living a big part of our lives hiding, venting, chasing, clinging, protecting, anaesthetising ourselves or fighting back,,, instead of enjoying our Self.

[7].. From what I've seen so far, the insights are often into the patterns of thinking that underpin our resistance.  Like the belief in a lie, once seen, these things no long hold any power over us.

[8].. The 'disappearance' of physical effects ('symptoms') is really secondary in the wake of what gets released.  This is its own reward.  So to focus on the physical aspect of healing is to miss the whole point.  In any case, without healing the underlying fear in our lives the 'effects' will always reappear in some form or another.  I think we have to be careful what we wish for.

Credits:  Dave Pollard  for the inspiration to write this post, and  Julie Higgins (artist) for the image.

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